Archive for the Uncategorized Category

Sorry

Posted in Uncategorized on March 19, 2016 by makeasimplewish

Sorry that I needed you

Sorry that I held you tight

Sorry that I fell through

Sorry that I was falling in love with you

Sorry that it came through

But sorry doesn’t turn back time. 

 

Yet again I find myself falling back into this mess of unwanted feelings, emotions, unnecessary pain and hurt. All over again, I should have known and I should have seen the signs, yet I let myself be immersed in this knowing I would hurt myself once again. I have a million questions whirling about in my already messed up brain but yet I cannot find the answers I’m seeking. I ask myself why, why, why countless times a day yet until now I still have no clue. Don’t know what it will take for me to get over all this again, but I know I have to pick myself up again and move on with life. At this point in time and at this stage in life, I am not a teenager anymore. Neither should I be letting myself be brought down by another person. But it is so difficult, difficult to come to terms with all that has happened, difficult to accept that another door probably just slammed shut right in my face, difficult to find the courage to walk away from this issue, difficult to establish some semblance of confidence in myself.

I think I was too happy that all of this happened that I chose to believe in something that never meant to be true. From the moment you struck up that conversation with me that day, I was blinded by you and blinded by thoughts of what could have been. Maybe it was wishful thinking on my part like always, but if I had known it would boil down to this, then I would have never, never ever have tried to strike up another conversation a second time. Maybe if I just let both our lives become parallel lines that went along its own courses, then the lines wouldn’t have intertwined and gotten so tangled to this stage. And I think in making that move it was my fault once again. But you reciprocated, didn’t you?

I lie in bed scrolling through what has been said, and I ask myself once again, why? Why did you have to be so nice to me, why did you have to give me your number, why did you have to keep up the conversations daily, why did you dedicate so much time to talk to me, why did you ultimately shatter my hopes by telling me the one thing that would make me give up on you? If that was your intention, then why get close to me and make me feel a sense of attachment to you in the first place? I think that you knew, it was quite impossible that you didn’t know.. but in the crudest sense of words, why did you lead me on and make me think that this could be a possibility? I may be needy, but I w on’t go against my conscience. And that is something I have been struggling with for the past 2 or so weeks.

It’s frankly been torturous. Having to cope with work stress and an uncertain future, and now you in the picture. I don’t know how I will ensure this or even get through this, but I know I have to end this. You probably agree because when you would talk to me everyday in the past, now you have completely shut me off. And I don’t know what to feel about this (or maybe I feel too much about this) that I know I should stop thinking of you. Its difficult, but its more painful because I chose to trust you despite all the red flags that were popping up.

Nevertheless, thank you for being an encouragement to me when I felt like my life was turned upside down. You were a source of support and comfort to me the past month, especially since I was stepping into an environment that was new and I had so many problems adjusting. You were a constant that cheered me up daily, and I am appreciative of that. Although I wish there could be something more and you could continue being a source of support, I said all those things to stop you from doing so that day because I didn’t want anything more to do with you, didn’t want to make myself do something wrong by keeping this up with you. To you, I’m probably just an insignificant being and its probably better that I stopped bothering you and disrupting your life, but to me you were much more than that. I felt really really happy talking to you, like I could have the energy to face any difficult day because you were there to spur me on and talk me out of being moody and angsty. But I know now that I probably have to adjust to life without your presence anymore.

For the past 1+ months, you have been a blessing. But now that this blessing is gone and enough tears have been shed, I will try to accept this loss and move on. I have to move on. I’m sorry things could not work out. Not sorry for you, but sorry for myself. I promise I won’t be sorry after a while more. This will be the last night of crying for you and the absence of you.

 

Advertisements

Replay

Posted in Uncategorized on December 4, 2015 by makeasimplewish

It always seems to go in an elaborately big circle, and I get lost along the way, but yet I find myself ending up right where I started; at the beginning. And even though it has happened again time after time, I still don’t know how to tell whether this is a good thing or bad thing. Perhaps my expectations of everything around me is exceptionally high, or maybe its just that I disappoint myself too much. If I didn’t want things to happen in a certain way in the first place, maybe I won’t be setting myself up for all these negative feelings at all. But yet when I think back, I still want these feelings, these experiences, these memories. A decade ago, my young self would lie in bed at 3am and think of all the things that could possibly happen in my life. A decade later, I am still lying in bed thinking of the same possibilities. Just that circumstances have changed quite drastically (or have they at all?) and I have learnt to look at things from a different perspective and from multiple angles. Yet I still don’t know whether I am looking through a clearer lens. Such paradoxes. Anyway, in 24 hours I will be on a plane. Maybe then I could allocate myself some time to think of all that has happened so far and how I want to proceed on. I think that many things are beyond my control, and that may be good because if I could decide, I would probably make a decision that I would regret really soon. Then again, I don’t want things to change. I don’t want things to stay stagnant, but I don’t see any chances of a progression. More chance of regressing but I really don’t want that either. Is this being fickle? Maybe in two weeks when I’m back in the sunny island, I will have the answers to my questions. But maybe I will not, and will still remain clueless.

Give up.

Posted in Uncategorized on November 5, 2014 by makeasimplewish

Thankful for a space to blog if not I think I would have suffocated long ago with all this toxicity that you have induced within me. I really don’t get how you can be the topic of so many of my posts just because you have a character that confounds me, time after time after time. It’s like as if you’re doing this on purpose to spite me you know? But in doing so you have revealed that ugly head and made me gradually now completely lose all respect that I (once) had for you. Seriously, when are you going to stop all this nonsense and actually start behaving like an actual human being with feelings and emotions?

Ask yourself truthfully. From the start of my existence, when have you cared? My grandmother told you this before ‘Besides giving birth to those 3 kids, what else have you done?’ And I agreed with her so ernestly. You might question my siding with a relative over my very own parents, but ask yourself honestly when you have been a parent to me. People talk about their mothers fondly, while all I can remember are largely the negative things. How you caned me nonstop when I couldn’t do my work in primary school (which I thank you for now anyway, because I know that discipline must be instilled in kids), how you screamed and yelled and scolded everytime I made a small minor mistake (aren’t kids supposed to be allowed to make mistakes so they can realise how things work?), how you called me a prostitute that day just because you weren’t feeling great (you probably forgotten but I remember EVERY SINGLE WORD). I have heard many things about you. And I chose time and again to downplay those things that I heard because after all you are still my mother and I saw some hoe that after so long, things might change for the better, then I could put all this behind me and build a completely new image and relationship with you. Did I not try to cultivate a more positive relationship with you? Did I not take the first step time after time just so that I could convince myself you weren’t all that bad? Yet I think all my efforts have gone down the drain because now we are back to square one. You probably haven’t noticed that anything is wrong, and I am afraid that is the whole point of why nothing is working out. You question why we have not reciprocated in caring and loving you, you blame the people around you for taking our attention away from you, you throw yourself a self-pity party, but do you realise in the first place that the problem lies with you? The fact that you refuse to change, you rather would stick to your same old character is the problem that is deterring your loved ones away from you.

You tell  me that because I should have filial piety, I should give you money. Everything that comes out of your mouth is materialistic some way or the other. When I first got a job, when did you ever encourage me or even bothered to ask me how my day went? Instead, the first thing that you said to me was when I would give you money and how much. I mean come on lah, seriously? That’s the best you can do? What kind of mother demands money from her own children? And demands from her children more than a couple of times every month? I just feel really, really sad because all you seem to care about is the money. If money can buy you happiness, then just take the goddamn money for all I care. When I am 10,000$ richer, I’ll just throw it in your face since you love it so much, more than your own kids. Ask yourself, when have you ever given us money out of your own accord for no reason? When I was younger, everytime I would ask you for money, you gave it to me only after questioning me like a criminal, or passed it to me with that begrudging look on your face. If it kills you so much just to part with that $50, then just forget it. Now I have the earning power, rest assured I won’t ask you for even a cent anymore, since I know you probably didn’t want to give me ANY money if I hadn’t taken the initiative to ask anyway. Yet now, you can look me in the eye and tell me that it doesn’t matter whether you have or have not given me money in the past, because you are my mother, that should automatically mean I should give you generously out of my own income. Fair that, I always knew and made a promise to myself that I would give my parents money (even though you probably don’t deserve it) just because you guys are my parents and you have brought me into this world. If everything else deterred me from giving allowances, that fact would still stand wholly by itself, and a promise is a promise that I would honour. So yes, I will still continue giving you your beloved money, out of ‘filial piety’ but not out of love, I am sorry and sad to say.

Now all I ask is for what was and is rightfully mine (my own money) but typically, you can’t even bear to give me that. Hello, it’s not like I am using it to gamble or to dabble in my own indulgences. I am using it for a legit purpose, to pay back the money I owe my dad. How more legit can it get, you tell me? And I don’t think I have been unreasonable in anyway, because afterall, this is MY money, not yours. I know that the bank account is under your name, and you have full access to it, while I don’t have any. It just doesn’t make sense that I have come of age and yet you are still insisting on holding on to a sum of money that clearly isn’t yours. You have ruined my plans, frankly speaking, and I am more than disappointed. I wanted to pay back my debt as quickly as possible so I wouldn’t have to accumulate and pay more interest in the long run. Yet all you could tell me was ‘the interest is very low, no big deal, its not a huge sum, you definitely can pay it back’. I think instead of telling me crap, you should just shut up and look at yourself and what you are saying. Your denial to give me what is mine just shows the depth of your insecurity and I really don’t like how you desperately try to cling onto that money. You know what, since you are so in need of controlling another person’s bank account, just take the money. All of the money in that account. I can’t be bothered, money is something I can earn at any point of time, I am not a hoarder, I will not waste my time talking to people who don’t see logic.

They say a mother is someone you learn from, learn how to be a better person, someone that can contribute to society when they grow up. Yet, all I can see from you is in the negatives. I really don’t know how much more of this I can take, but honestly speaking, I have stopped trying to maintain an even cordial relationship with you a long, long time ago. I have tried, I have failed, I have tried again but now I have given up. It’s just not worth it spending such huge amounts of time and energy trying to push something that will not turn, and I am sorry. I am not going to try anymore. If you ever come across this post someday (which is highly unlikely cos I don’t think you are even bothered with the lives of your family members), then perhaps you can see from another perspective what is keeping me from loving you. Don’t ask me what you should do, because I really don’t have an answer. All I know is that I really cannot bring myself to say you are a mother to me. For that I apologise, but for everything else, I have only stated the truth and my raw-est, true-st emotions. Call me unfilial, call me an ungrateful brat, if you have not been in my shoes and experienced all the shit over the years, then I don’t think you qualify to judge me in any manner.

I will not waste any more tears and blood vessels because of you anymore. There’s a limit to everybody’s tolerance, I have gone way over that limit and a hundred times further. Thank you for showing me what I absolutely would not turn out to be in the future, for that, I am appreciative.

Karma bites, bitch

Posted in Uncategorized on October 16, 2014 by makeasimplewish

Want to know why I dislike you so much?

Just go look at yourself in the mirror.

Really wonder how you can stand yourself when the whole world cannot stand you.

Posted in Uncategorized on September 12, 2014 by makeasimplewish

When does dissociation not work anymore? When the same negative event happens over and over again? Been feeling out of touch these few days, unable to pinpoint the source of it all completely. Distraction is at an all time high and I really wanna drop it all and leave. But then again where can I leave to? Somewhere physical, somewhere psychological, its all the same. Not going to help, not going to be an improvement. Guess I need to do this my own way. Cheers to myself.

RIDICULOUS

Posted in Uncategorized on September 9, 2014 by makeasimplewish

Eh please lah, if you dont know how to be a mother or suck at being one then just bloody shut the hell up. 

I tell you nicely to respect other people, which you clearly dont know how to do, you turn on me and ask me to mind my own business. Gladly accepted please, I dont even want to mind your business in the first place since you HAVE NEVER CARED ABOUT ME. Still dare to act like youre the innocent party so poor thing victim etc. PLEASE LAH. 

If you ever invested your time and an ounce of care into loving your kids then this wouldnt have happened. Childish of you to blame somebody else but expected of you lah since your character sucks anyway. 

Nothing to say. Pls dont threaten me. I really dont know what to say. Speechless. Honestly speaking maybe my life will be so much better without you interfering. Since all you say to me is negative anyway. You dont care, I dont care. You dont respect me, why the hell should I respect you? 

Just myob lah hor from now on. 

I’m sorry, I don’t see it.

Posted in Uncategorized on August 23, 2014 by makeasimplewish

Was listening to an online audio earlier this afternoon, and the speaker brought up the topic of unconditional love and other things along those lines. He raised the example of a mother, how she cares for her child, would do anything to nurture, care for, and make sure her child grows up in the right way. She would even sacrifice herself for her child if the necessity arose. We, then, should thank our mothers because they are the epitome of selfless giving and they get paid absolutely nothing to do it, it is second nature to them. I listened, and then I pondered about it. I haven’t always had a smooth sailing relationship with my own mother. People remember their mothers caring for them and rocking them to sleep when they were young, singing songs to them and cooking meals for them whenever they said they were hungry. I tried really hard to conjure up a memory like that but it failed. It really sucks to say that the most common image I have of my mom is that of her whacking rattan canes against the side of the sofa to create that defeaning sound so that I would be scared and do my homework the way she wanted it. Tough love, I appreciate that, no kidding, because I believe that kids should be disciplined physically when they are disobedient. But where’s the other side of the image of a mother? These few days I have been asking myself lots of questions and reflecting about the past, and the one thing that I’ve been asking God why, is something related to my family. Things have never been peaceful, at least from my point of view, and I have lost hope that things will ever improve. What for try to paint a serene picture of us as a perfectly happy family, so close to each other without a care in the world, when in reality, it just isn’t this way? I know that everybody has their imperfections, every family has its own problems, but are things as screwed up as this in other peoples’ families? At least they iron out their differences and put them aside so that they can enjoy each other’s company and still be genuinely happy. Here we never ever talk about problems, just sweep them under the carpet and pretend they never existed, and then expect things to magically become fine. I’m sorry it doesn’t work that way. I can be the first to admit that over the years there were times where I have been at fault, I have had my personal share of angsty moments and bitch fits, but what I have observed is that you guys treat mistakes as heinous crimes. Break a plate, get screamed at, called clumsy and repeatedly get reminded of it for a long time. Don’t do your homework, get caned or yelled at again. When is tough love too much and where should the line be drawn? I have grown up with this sense of insecurity and now I’m afraid I can never get rid of it. Sure, you guys have your moments when you tell us you’re proud of us, you tell your friends about us and our achievements, you give us the things we need to survive and ocassionally, we can joke around like there’s nothing wrong. But there is something wrong, I’m sorry. It’s always planned that everything must go your way, your way is the best way, your way is the only way. But can’t you see that we are living human beings as well, and we have our own opinions too? Don’t brush them off like they are just a speck of dirt. Don’t force us to do things we don’t like, and then reprimand us for that after that for not being cooperative. You chose not to listen to us first, so what else can we do? I’m actually really tired of trying to gain some form of genuine acceptance from the both of you, I’ve told myself that repeatedly, but it still comes back to haunt me. How proud of me are you all really? You just look at my achievements and show off to your friends, but what about underneath all that? When you’re not happy you say mean things that actually hurt our feelings, do you know that? And all these years I have never ever heard an utterance of a ‘sorry’ even when you are in the wrong. Just brush it off and say that parents are always right. Yeah right, how do you expect to gain respect this way? I respect you, no doubt, but it’s difficult and a chore to do somethings, y’know? And you guys clearly don’t get along with each other, I’ve seen it since I was an infant and could see and hear. Sometimes I actually really wish that if you guys have had enough of each other, then maybe you should just get separated and live apart from each other, if that would just ease tensions in the house. Everytime you guys fight, us kids are caught in between your psychological games and cold wars. How do you expect us to perceive? Do you want us to end up like you when we grow older? I sometimes wonder why adults act like kids when they are supposed to be mature. Just stop quarreling, just stop. I know it is terrible of me to think this way, but the fact that I think this way and even take refuge in the idea says alot about the dynamics of this family relationship. I even think up scenarios in my head about when you two get divorced, I would choose to take my two brothers and stay by myself and be self-sustainable. I don’t need such unrest in my house and I would be better off by myself I think. I wanna get these thoughts out of my head but its impossible to. There are so many more issues to raise but the more I type the more my head is spinning in circles. It’s all revolving around the same issue anyway. I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you can be so oblivious to your own family yet when it comes to how people perceive you, you go to great lengths just to create a fake happy peaceful image of us. I’m sorry it doesn’t work that way. Wishing that we are the ideal family you want and forcing us to do things that depict that will not help in any way, it just makes us more apprehensive and withdrawn to our own lives. It’s just pushing us further away, to lay out the blunt truths. Stop acting, start putting in abit more effort at least. Don’t get me wrong, I love each and every one of you, but maybe you two should alter the way you love us, your kids, and even the people around you. The only people I feel absolutely comfortable with are my brothers. It’snot supposed to be this way, I’m sorry. But actually I’m not. 

To sum up. 

Have I ever felt the warmth and comfort of a real, true happy family and household? 

Yes I have, too bad its just not in this family. 

I don’t know what message this brings across but I don’t really care anymore, just needed to get it all out.