Sorry that I needed you

Sorry that I held you tight

Sorry that I fell through

Sorry that I was falling in love with you

Sorry that it came through

But sorry doesn’t turn back time. 


Yet again I find myself falling back into this mess of unwanted feelings, emotions, unnecessary pain and hurt. All over again, I should have known and I should have seen the signs, yet I let myself be immersed in this knowing I would hurt myself once again. I have a million questions whirling about in my already messed up brain but yet I cannot find the answers I’m seeking. I ask myself why, why, why countless times a day yet until now I still have no clue. Don’t know what it will take for me to get over all this again, but I know I have to pick myself up again and move on with life. At this point in time and at this stage in life, I am not a teenager anymore. Neither should I be letting myself be brought down by another person. But it is so difficult, difficult to come to terms with all that has happened, difficult to accept that another door probably just slammed shut right in my face, difficult to find the courage to walk away from this issue, difficult to establish some semblance of confidence in myself.

I think I was too happy that all of this happened that I chose to believe in something that never meant to be true. From the moment you struck up that conversation with me that day, I was blinded by you and blinded by thoughts of what could have been. Maybe it was wishful thinking on my part like always, but if I had known it would boil down to this, then I would have never, never ever have tried to strike up another conversation a second time. Maybe if I just let both our lives become parallel lines that went along its own courses, then the lines wouldn’t have intertwined and gotten so tangled to this stage. And I think in making that move it was my fault once again. But you reciprocated, didn’t you?

I lie in bed scrolling through what has been said, and I ask myself once again, why? Why did you have to be so nice to me, why did you have to give me your number, why did you have to keep up the conversations daily, why did you dedicate so much time to talk to me, why did you ultimately shatter my hopes by telling me the one thing that would make me give up on you? If that was your intention, then why get close to me and make me feel a sense of attachment to you in the first place? I think that you knew, it was quite impossible that you didn’t know.. but in the crudest sense of words, why did you lead me on and make me think that this could be a possibility? I may be needy, but I w on’t go against my conscience. And that is something I have been struggling with for the past 2 or so weeks.

It’s frankly been torturous. Having to cope with work stress and an uncertain future, and now you in the picture. I don’t know how I will ensure this or even get through this, but I know I have to end this. You probably agree because when you would talk to me everyday in the past, now you have completely shut me off. And I don’t know what to feel about this (or maybe I feel too much about this) that I know I should stop thinking of you. Its difficult, but its more painful because I chose to trust you despite all the red flags that were popping up.

Nevertheless, thank you for being an encouragement to me when I felt like my life was turned upside down. You were a source of support and comfort to me the past month, especially since I was stepping into an environment that was new and I had so many problems adjusting. You were a constant that cheered me up daily, and I am appreciative of that. Although I wish there could be something more and you could continue being a source of support, I said all those things to stop you from doing so that day because I didn’t want anything more to do with you, didn’t want to make myself do something wrong by keeping this up with you. To you, I’m probably just an insignificant being and its probably better that I stopped bothering you and disrupting your life, but to me you were much more than that. I felt really really happy talking to you, like I could have the energy to face any difficult day because you were there to spur me on and talk me out of being moody and angsty. But I know now that I probably have to adjust to life without your presence anymore.

For the past 1+ months, you have been a blessing. But now that this blessing is gone and enough tears have been shed, I will try to accept this loss and move on. I have to move on. I’m sorry things could not work out. Not sorry for you, but sorry for myself. I promise I won’t be sorry after a while more. This will be the last night of crying for you and the absence of you.


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