It always seems to go in an elaborately big circle, and I get lost along the way, but yet I find myself ending up right where I started; at the beginning. And even though it has happened again time after time, I still don’t know how to tell whether this is a good thing or bad thing. Perhaps my expectations of everything around me is exceptionally high, or maybe its just that I disappoint myself too much. If I didn’t want things to happen in a certain way in the first place, maybe I won’t be setting myself up for all these negative feelings at all. But yet when I think back, I still want these feelings, these experiences, these memories. A decade ago, my young self would lie in bed at 3am and think of all the things that could possibly happen in my life. A decade later, I am still lying in bed thinking of the same possibilities. Just that circumstances have changed quite drastically (or have they at all?) and I have learnt to look at things from a different perspective and from multiple angles. Yet I still don’t know whether I am looking through a clearer lens. Such paradoxes. Anyway, in 24 hours I will be on a plane. Maybe then I could allocate myself some time to think of all that has happened so far and how I want to proceed on. I think that many things are beyond my control, and that may be good because if I could decide, I would probably make a decision that I would regret really soon. Then again, I don’t want things to change. I don’t want things to stay stagnant, but I don’t see any chances of a progression. More chance of regressing but I really don’t want that either. Is this being fickle? Maybe in two weeks when I’m back in the sunny island, I will have the answers to my questions. But maybe I will not, and will still remain clueless.

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