Archive for November, 2014

Give up.

Posted in Uncategorized on November 5, 2014 by makeasimplewish

Thankful for a space to blog if not I think I would have suffocated long ago with all this toxicity that you have induced within me. I really don’t get how you can be the topic of so many of my posts just because you have a character that confounds me, time after time after time. It’s like as if you’re doing this on purpose to spite me you know? But in doing so you have revealed that ugly head and made me gradually now completely lose all respect that I (once) had for you. Seriously, when are you going to stop all this nonsense and actually start behaving like an actual human being with feelings and emotions?

Ask yourself truthfully. From the start of my existence, when have you cared? My grandmother told you this before ‘Besides giving birth to those 3 kids, what else have you done?’ And I agreed with her so ernestly. You might question my siding with a relative over my very own parents, but ask yourself honestly when you have been a parent to me. People talk about their mothers fondly, while all I can remember are largely the negative things. How you caned me nonstop when I couldn’t do my work in primary school (which I thank you for now anyway, because I know that discipline must be instilled in kids), how you screamed and yelled and scolded everytime I made a small minor mistake (aren’t kids supposed to be allowed to make mistakes so they can realise how things work?), how you called me a prostitute that day just because you weren’t feeling great (you probably forgotten but I remember EVERY SINGLE WORD). I have heard many things about you. And I chose time and again to downplay those things that I heard because after all you are still my mother and I saw some hoe that after so long, things might change for the better, then I could put all this behind me and build a completely new image and relationship with you. Did I not try to cultivate a more positive relationship with you? Did I not take the first step time after time just so that I could convince myself you weren’t all that bad? Yet I think all my efforts have gone down the drain because now we are back to square one. You probably haven’t noticed that anything is wrong, and I am afraid that is the whole point of why nothing is working out. You question why we have not reciprocated in caring and loving you, you blame the people around you for taking our attention away from you, you throw yourself a self-pity party, but do you realise in the first place that the problem lies with you? The fact that you refuse to change, you rather would stick to your same old character is the problem that is deterring your loved ones away from you.

You tell ┬áme that because I should have filial piety, I should give you money. Everything that comes out of your mouth is materialistic some way or the other. When I first got a job, when did you ever encourage me or even bothered to ask me how my day went? Instead, the first thing that you said to me was when I would give you money and how much. I mean come on lah, seriously? That’s the best you can do? What kind of mother demands money from her own children? And demands from her children more than a couple of times every month? I just feel really, really sad because all you seem to care about is the money. If money can buy you happiness, then just take the goddamn money for all I care. When I am 10,000$ richer, I’ll just throw it in your face since you love it so much, more than your own kids. Ask yourself, when have you ever given us money out of your own accord for no reason? When I was younger, everytime I would ask you for money, you gave it to me only after questioning me like a criminal, or passed it to me with that begrudging look on your face. If it kills you so much just to part with that $50, then just forget it. Now I have the earning power, rest assured I won’t ask you for even a cent anymore, since I know you probably didn’t want to give me ANY money if I hadn’t taken the initiative to ask anyway. Yet now, you can look me in the eye and tell me that it doesn’t matter whether you have or have not given me money in the past, because you are my mother, that should automatically mean I should give you generously out of my own income. Fair that, I always knew and made a promise to myself that I would give my parents money (even though you probably don’t deserve it) just because you guys are my parents and you have brought me into this world. If everything else deterred me from giving allowances, that fact would still stand wholly by itself, and a promise is a promise that I would honour. So yes, I will still continue giving you your beloved money, out of ‘filial piety’ but not out of love, I am sorry and sad to say.

Now all I ask is for what was and is rightfully mine (my own money) but typically, you can’t even bear to give me that. Hello, it’s not like I am using it to gamble or to dabble in my own indulgences. I am using it for a legit purpose, to pay back the money I owe my dad. How more legit can it get, you tell me? And I don’t think I have been unreasonable in anyway, because afterall, this is MY money, not yours. I know that the bank account is under your name, and you have full access to it, while I don’t have any. It just doesn’t make sense that I have come of age and yet you are still insisting on holding on to a sum of money that clearly isn’t yours. You have ruined my plans, frankly speaking, and I am more than disappointed. I wanted to pay back my debt as quickly as possible so I wouldn’t have to accumulate and pay more interest in the long run. Yet all you could tell me was ‘the interest is very low, no big deal, its not a huge sum, you definitely can pay it back’. I think instead of telling me crap, you should just shut up and look at yourself and what you are saying. Your denial to give me what is mine just shows the depth of your insecurity and I really don’t like how you desperately try to cling onto that money. You know what, since you are so in need of controlling another person’s bank account, just take the money. All of the money in that account. I can’t be bothered, money is something I can earn at any point of time, I am not a hoarder, I will not waste my time talking to people who don’t see logic.

They say a mother is someone you learn from, learn how to be a better person, someone that can contribute to society when they grow up. Yet, all I can see from you is in the negatives. I really don’t know how much more of this I can take, but honestly speaking, I have stopped trying to maintain an even cordial relationship with you a long, long time ago. I have tried, I have failed, I have tried again but now I have given up. It’s just not worth it spending such huge amounts of time and energy trying to push something that will not turn, and I am sorry. I am not going to try anymore. If you ever come across this post someday (which is highly unlikely cos I don’t think you are even bothered with the lives of your family members), then perhaps you can see from another perspective what is keeping me from loving you. Don’t ask me what you should do, because I really don’t have an answer. All I know is that I really cannot bring myself to say you are a mother to me. For that I apologise, but for everything else, I have only stated the truth and my raw-est, true-st emotions. Call me unfilial, call me an ungrateful brat, if you have not been in my shoes and experienced all the shit over the years, then I don’t think you qualify to judge me in any manner.

I will not waste any more tears and blood vessels because of you anymore. There’s a limit to everybody’s tolerance, I have gone way over that limit and a hundred times further. Thank you for showing me what I absolutely would not turn out to be in the future, for that, I am appreciative.