I’m sorry, I don’t see it.

Was listening to an online audio earlier this afternoon, and the speaker brought up the topic of unconditional love and other things along those lines. He raised the example of a mother, how she cares for her child, would do anything to nurture, care for, and make sure her child grows up in the right way. She would even sacrifice herself for her child if the necessity arose. We, then, should thank our mothers because they are the epitome of selfless giving and they get paid absolutely nothing to do it, it is second nature to them. I listened, and then I pondered about it. I haven’t always had a smooth sailing relationship with my own mother. People remember their mothers caring for them and rocking them to sleep when they were young, singing songs to them and cooking meals for them whenever they said they were hungry. I tried really hard to conjure up a memory like that but it failed. It really sucks to say that the most common image I have of my mom is that of her whacking rattan canes against the side of the sofa to create that defeaning sound so that I would be scared and do my homework the way she wanted it. Tough love, I appreciate that, no kidding, because I believe that kids should be disciplined physically when they are disobedient. But where’s the other side of the image of a mother? These few days I have been asking myself lots of questions and reflecting about the past, and the one thing that I’ve been asking God why, is something related to my family. Things have never been peaceful, at least from my point of view, and I have lost hope that things will ever improve. What for try to paint a serene picture of us as a perfectly happy family, so close to each other without a care in the world, when in reality, it just isn’t this way? I know that everybody has their imperfections, every family has its own problems, but are things as screwed up as this in other peoples’ families? At least they iron out their differences and put them aside so that they can enjoy each other’s company and still be genuinely happy. Here we never ever talk about problems, just sweep them under the carpet and pretend they never existed, and then expect things to magically become fine. I’m sorry it doesn’t work that way. I can be the first to admit that over the years there were times where I have been at fault, I have had my personal share of angsty moments and bitch fits, but what I have observed is that you guys treat mistakes as heinous crimes. Break a plate, get screamed at, called clumsy and repeatedly get reminded of it for a long time. Don’t do your homework, get caned or yelled at again. When is tough love too much and where should the line be drawn? I have grown up with this sense of insecurity and now I’m afraid I can never get rid of it. Sure, you guys have your moments when you tell us you’re proud of us, you tell your friends about us and our achievements, you give us the things we need to survive and ocassionally, we can joke around like there’s nothing wrong. But there is something wrong, I’m sorry. It’s always planned that everything must go your way, your way is the best way, your way is the only way. But can’t you see that we are living human beings as well, and we have our own opinions too? Don’t brush them off like they are just a speck of dirt. Don’t force us to do things we don’t like, and then reprimand us for that after that for not being cooperative. You chose not to listen to us first, so what else can we do? I’m actually really tired of trying to gain some form of genuine acceptance from the both of you, I’ve told myself that repeatedly, but it still comes back to haunt me. How proud of me are you all really? You just look at my achievements and show off to your friends, but what about underneath all that? When you’re not happy you say mean things that actually hurt our feelings, do you know that? And all these years I have never ever heard an utterance of a ‘sorry’ even when you are in the wrong. Just brush it off and say that parents are always right. Yeah right, how do you expect to gain respect this way? I respect you, no doubt, but it’s difficult and a chore to do somethings, y’know? And you guys clearly don’t get along with each other, I’ve seen it since I was an infant and could see and hear. Sometimes I actually really wish that if you guys have had enough of each other, then maybe you should just get separated and live apart from each other, if that would just ease tensions in the house. Everytime you guys fight, us kids are caught in between your psychological games and cold wars. How do you expect us to perceive? Do you want us to end up like you when we grow older? I sometimes wonder why adults act like kids when they are supposed to be mature. Just stop quarreling, just stop. I know it is terrible of me to think this way, but the fact that I think this way and even take refuge in the idea says alot about the dynamics of this family relationship. I even think up scenarios in my head about when you two get divorced, I would choose to take my two brothers and stay by myself and be self-sustainable. I don’t need such unrest in my house and I would be better off by myself I think. I wanna get these thoughts out of my head but its impossible to. There are so many more issues to raise but the more I type the more my head is spinning in circles. It’s all revolving around the same issue anyway. I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you can be so oblivious to your own family yet when it comes to how people perceive you, you go to great lengths just to create a fake happy peaceful image of us. I’m sorry it doesn’t work that way. Wishing that we are the ideal family you want and forcing us to do things that depict that will not help in any way, it just makes us more apprehensive and withdrawn to our own lives. It’s just pushing us further away, to lay out the blunt truths. Stop acting, start putting in abit more effort at least. Don’t get me wrong, I love each and every one of you, but maybe you two should alter the way you love us, your kids, and even the people around you. The only people I feel absolutely comfortable with are my brothers. It’snot supposed to be this way, I’m sorry. But actually I’m not. 

To sum up. 

Have I ever felt the warmth and comfort of a real, true happy family and household? 

Yes I have, too bad its just not in this family. 

I don’t know what message this brings across but I don’t really care anymore, just needed to get it all out. 

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